Lost

I’m Lost?

You have lost yourself, honey,I don’t Know why it happened but You aren’t the same anymore.I just hope you find yourself before it’s too late”

This one sentence has been playing on in my head since last night like a broken record and I can’t help but wonder if it’s actually true.

It all began when my health faced a slight low point yesterday, nothing major just low blood pressure and stuff, but my mum seemed to be convinced my poor health is all my fault and I am not careful enough! I mean how is low blood pressure It’s not like I Attached a vacuum to my circulatory system and deliberately and slowly decreased my blood pressure(not that it is possible). So for obvious reasons I got a little mad and lashed out sarcastically! Now before I proceed one thing that you need to know is that if there is one thing my mum absolutely hates is sarcasm, the only time she is tolerant towards it is when she is using sarcasm. But if you value your life don’t even think of mentioning how hypocritical this is, trust me been there done that! Anyway the reaction to my sarcasm was beyond disastrous, because that led to my starting by reprimanding me and continued to give a detailed and exaggerated description of every mistake I have made in the last 4 years(at least) to my sister who has just come home from college.And before I knew it turned into a full blown attack at how I deal with life! in short they don’t approve with my methods of dealing with problems and life in general.

My mum kept saying how i was such a different girl 8 years ago. How I was such a disciplined competitive and balanced kid and how my dad passing away has made me aloof and almost disinterested in life.

“you used to be like sunshine. bright and happy. You aren’t like that anymore.” my mum said shaking her head. I could see how much saying this was hurting her and how she was genuinely worried I wasn’t the little girl who ran around smiling and laughing for no reason. I may have a problem smiling for cameras but I never felt I wasn’t smiling enough. I just knew nothing I said could change what she thought. My mother wanted me to be the girl who lived without a care in the world but still was organized to such precision you wouldn’t expect from a kid, the girl who was so full of confidence and a need to win she made sure she won, the girl whose sole goal was to please people around her, the girl who was friendly and warm, the girl who was sunshine. And I just don’t know if I’m sunshine anymore.

As I continued to hear my mum and sis speak about how I used to be such a great kid. I couldn’t help but wonder if they thought I wasn’t great anymore. did they think I was dysfunctional? did they think something was wrong with me?

Nothing they said made me feel unloved but I still couldn’t help that annoying voices in my head asking all of this; and thus started the waterworks which led to piss my mum off some more(My mum does not believe in crying for real reasons according to her it’s only acceptable to cry while watching movies. and that’s only a very mild exaggeration on my part) and she went off again how I was so much more braver as a kid.

In that very moment the only thing i wanted to do was explain to those two ladies who I love to bits that I was alright and I may be a trouble magnet but i am happy, that I was still liked things obsessively organized i just didn’t make a huge deal when things went wrong, that the reason I am guarded is because I don’t ever want to let anybody hurt me and everything i do is to protect myself. But I didn’t the reason being the lump in my throat the size of meteor in my throat.

Hearing what my family thought about my ways and ideas and their sincere worry for me caused literal pain in my chest. I could feel the room closing in on me and it took every ounce of energy I had to stay there and here them out instead of running away.

You have lost yourself, honey,I don’t Know why it happened but You aren’t the same anymore.I just hope you find yourself before it’s too late”

That’s the last thing she told me before she got up and went to bed. Mum followed giving me a tiny smile while I tried to stop my tears from falling and wishing my chest would stop hurting.

That night as my mum and sister slept I kept replaying everything again and again and promised myself I’d do anything to take that worried glint away from the eyes’ of my loved ones. I don’t know how I will do it but I just hope I will do it sometime soon, because I can’t stand to be the reason my family hurts. I just can’t.

This won’t be easy, I’ve been the way I am for very long, even now as I write this my eyes are tearing and I feel like somebody is crushing me but I will have to see beyond my own pain to fulfill this promise I made to myself. I don’t know how this will shape up in the days to come I just want to be my mum’s sunshine again.

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Lost

  1. rishabhkhaneja

    I know how it feels when parents say ‘You have changed so much, you’re not the same anymore’.
    Infact it hurts when anybody close to us say that 😐
    But when parents do it hurts the most.
    But you know sometimes they’re just fed up of us.
    My parents dont like me as much as they used to do earlier just because I take only those decisions which I feel are right for me.
    They might dislike my attitude at this point but i am sure in the long run , they’d be proud of me.
    As long as you stand by your heart and you’re hell confident that you’re doing the right thing, just dont think about anyone and DO IT.
    you might upset your didi and mom in the process but in the long run its going to be for your benefit only.

    Reply
    1. daquirkyteenager Post author

      All of it gets so exhausting after a point I start wondering if fighting for my vies is even worth it!! I know I am not wrong just not correct in my mum’s view!! I’ll make them proud I just know it !!:P

      Reply

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